On a monthly basis, my readers send me hundreds of various questions about sex, sexual pleasure, and sexual satisfaction in intimate relationships…
“How do I bring back the spark to my sex life with my wife/husband/partner?”
“How can I let my partner know what I want in bed… without being overly demanding?”
“How do I communicate my sexual desires more, even though it’s challenging/I’m shy/I’m not sure how it will be received?”
And one of the best tools that I give to my private coaching clients to get MANY of these various needs and desires met is something that I call a spoiling session.
What Is A Spoiling Session?
A spoiling session is a magical, sexy, multi-purpose exercise that allows you to gain a deeper understanding of your own sexual needs and the sexual needs of your partner, while simultaneously reconnecting you as a couple and melting away the subtle shame and resistance that each partner may or may not have towards sex in general.
How Do You Carry Out A Spoiling Session?
Spoiling sessions are quite simple. And as you can imagine from their name, are about sexually spoiling yourselves (and therefore each other).
A spoiling session is a pre-determined amount of time where one partner (the recipient) gets to have whatever they want done to them/on them/for them, as long as those things fall within the realm of comfort for the giving partner.
For example, one partner’s spoiling session could look like the following…
“For sixty minutes, every Tuesday night, sometime after 5pm, I will lay on my back while my favourite music plays throughout the room, and my partner will massage me, kiss my forehead, perform oral sex on me, and then cuddle with me inside of a big, warm blanket.”
While yet another person could want something entirely different. That’s the beauty of sexuality. It is completely individualized. There are as many sets of sexual preferences as there are humans on the planet.
How Does My Partner Know What To Do During My Spoiling Session?
There are two ways that you can go about informing your partner as to what you would like to happen during your spoiling session.
You can either…
1. Write it down and/or tell them out loud in advance what you would like to happen.
2. You can tell them as your spoiling session is happening, moment to moment, as your desires naturally shift.
In terms of personal growth, sexual shame melting, and your overall intimate connection as a couple, I strongly recommend doing the second one, if you are able to.
I know it’s more potentially challenging to ask for things while you’re in the middle of it… but that’s the whole point. You not only get to experience blissful sexual pleasure, exactly as you would like to experience it, but you ALSO get the opportunity to become more vocal during sexual play, and ask for your sexual needs to be met.
There’s some serious magic that happens when you’re able to verbalize what you want, moment to moment, from your partner. Your newfound vocal abilities also start to translate into your ‘regular’ sexual play with that much more ease. And the more you communicate your sexual desires, the more you and your partner will understand each other and the more sexually fulfilled you’ll both be.
What Kind Of Details Should I Consider For My Spoiling Session?
Spoiling sessions are 100% customizable to what your ideal session looks like.
So if I were to list out dozens of examples of what you could potentially do, I don’t think that that would be as helpful compared to giving you categories and question prompts for you to consider. Because whatever naturally occurs in your mind is what you should be asking for (and not a pre-determined combination of ideas from someone else).
Here are some of the most common categories of considerations that I hear my clients implementing in their spoiling session. Let these wash over you, and take notes on whatever they conjure up in your mind.
– How long will your spoiling session be?
How long do you want your spoiling session to be? And remember, whatever your answer is, you aren’t then locked into that length of time for the entirety of your relationship. These things are all flexible, and are always up for constant renegotiation down the line.
Do you want it to be 20 minutes? 30? 45? An hour? Two hours? Three?
Do you want a longer one than your partner does? That’s fine. This isn’t about perceived ‘fairness’… it’s about pleasure and connection. Your answer is yours alone.
– When will your spoiling session happen?
Day time? Night time? Weekends? Week days?
Would you like your spoiling session to be a regular occurrence on the same time slot, week after week (i.e. Tuesday nights)? Or would you prefer it to be more infrequent because that would make it seem more special?
It’s all up to you!
– What is the ideal environment for your spoiling session to occur in?
In the bedroom? In the living room? In the bath tub? In the middle of a big pillow pit with blankets, throw pillows, and other soft things in your dining room area? It’s your spoiling session… you get to make the call.
– What music do you want playing, if any?
Slow, melodic, instrumental music? Opera? Hip hop? Electronic? Folk music? Binaural beats in headphones? The drone of a white noise simulator? Jazz music on a vinyl record player?
Feel free to build the entire sensual landscape, exactly as you would like it to be.
– What kind of lighting do you want for your spoiling session?
No lights? Dimly lit? All of the lights on? Black lights and glow in the dark paint? Salt lamps? Lava lamps? A hundred candles floating in water-filled fish bowls? Get creative!
Whatever the answer is that pleases you the most, that’s the right answer.
– What will the room smell like?
Incense? Scented candles? Your favourite essential oils (lavender, tea tree oil, citrus, etc.)?
– What will your partner be wearing during your spoiling session?
Will they be wearing nothing? Leather? Spandex? A bra and panties? Knee high socks? A condom? Boxers? A silk nightgown?
– What do you NOT want to happen during your spoiling session? What will be off limits?
What would turn you off if it happened during your spoiling session? What does your partner need to know is off limits for you?
No spanking? No overly firm massage? No touching of your nipples? No G-spot pressure? No use of the word baby/boy/girl/man/lady/slut/bitch/slave/etc.? No penetration? No talking? No whispering? No music?
Whatever would make you uncomfortable or displeased during your spoiling session, let it be known in advance as much as is possible.
– What do you want to happen during your spoiling session?
Do you want your spoiling session to be focused around kissing? Touching? Cuddling? Massage? Oral sex? Manual stimulation? Penetrative sex? Anal sex? Orgasm denial? Maybe a combination of the aforementioned, or none of those and something entirely different?
Would you like to be told how wonderful you are for a portion of the spoiling session? You can do that.
Would you like to sit in silence and make extended eye contact with your lover while you hold hands? You can do that too.
Would you like to be held in the little spoon position for the first thirty minutes of your spoiling session as you settle in? That’s a totally reasonable request.
Spoiling sessions… if you build it, you will cum.
Unless you’d rather not cum.
– How will you want your spoiling session to end?
Will the spoiling session end when you orgasm (once, or a certain number of times)? When your 60 minute musical playlist ends? Would you prefer a timer to go off? Would you rather there be a clock on your bed side table that your partner can keep track of, and when your time is nearing completion they should tell you “Alright my love, we’re coming up to the end of the sixty minutes, is there anything else you would like me to do to make this feel complete for you?”
What would you like to happen so that the end of your spoiling session doesn’t feel too abrupt? What would the happiest ending look like for you?
How To Prepare For Your Spoiling Session
The most important things you want to do to prepare for your spoiling session are any individual things that cumulatively help you to feel more comfortable and de-stressed.
Things that help you to de-stress: do all of the chores that day so that they’re off your mind, remove all distractions from the room you’re carrying out your spoiling session in (TV, cell phones, pets, things that beep, children, friends, family, etc.).
Things that help you to be more comfortable: start with a massage or some connection exercises, groom yourself in advance (if necessary) so that you feel calm and confident in your body, do a short meditation or round of box-breathing in order to connect to your breath.
When Should We Do Our Spoiling Sessions?
There are two major schools of thought when it comes to when you should do your spoiling session.
You can either have a regular, recurring time for each of you (i.e. your spoiling sessions always land on Tuesday nights and your partner’s are on Thursday night), or you can have them be a bit more spontaneous.
I don’t generally recommend them being completely spontaneous (as in “Let’s do one starting RIGHT NOW!!!”) because you generally want to do a little bit of prep for them. Plus, half of the fun is the anticipation.
Even giving yourself a few hours can do a lot for building up the sexual anticipation.
Imagine sitting at work and getting the text “Spoiling session tonight? ;)”
That text would be gold. You better believe your day just got a whole lot more exciting.
How To Navigate Wanting To Do Something In Your Spoiling Session That Your Partner Isn’t Comfortable With
Whether it’s your first time trying out a spoiling session with your partner, or you’ve been doing them regularly for months, there will likely come a time where you or your partner asks for something that the other one isn’t totally comfortable with.
So what do you do about this? You treat it like any other time that you have a potential conflict of interest with your partner.
You can respectfully (without being pushy or manipulative) ask them if they’d be willing to try the thing (because maybe they’re just shy, and growth/challenging comfort zones can be good for people), and if they really don’t want to, then that’s fine. You would respect that, leave out that thing entirely, and move on.
Consent is sexy! And besides, you want your partner to be enjoying themselves just as much as you are, right?
I Beg You… Get Your Spoiling Session Into Your Calendar – ASAP!
Alright, you know what to do, now it’s just a matter of doing it.
To get this started, send this article to your lover/significant other/spouse/partner, and simply say “This sounds amazing. Let’s do this soon. Maybe next week?”
And then put it in your calendar.
When items get put in our calendar, they’re that much likelier to be honoured and carried out.
So that’s it. Send this to your partner, talk it out with them, and get each of your first spoiling sessions in the calendar as soon as possible.
Dedicated to your success,
Ps. If you want more ideas on how to sexually connect as a couple, check out this article on connection exercises, and this article on asking specific questions that will help your sex life to grow and improve. If you’re a man looking to improve his sexual confidence, check out my video course Supercharge Your Sex Life.
Pps. Seriously… send this article to your lover right now, get the conversation started, and get your spoiling sessions in your calendar today. Your relationship (and new and improved sex life) are begging for it!